


Log Off

by deitaru



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Internet Relationships, LDR, M/M, Tears, Teen Romance, no sburb, self indulgent fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-26
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2017-12-16 06:43:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/859047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deitaru/pseuds/deitaru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You loved him.<br/>He loved you.<br/>And that's why this hurt so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thewindyThing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thewindyThing/gifts).



You blinked once and stared at that little green dot on your screen that meant he was online.  
Your hands started to sweat and your heart raced.  
ghostyTrickster.  
Your fingers trembled slightly, and you caught a glimpse of your reflection in the monitor. Ghost white and looking scared as fuck even through the shades that covered almost half of your face.  
This was it.  
There was no going back, no turning around.  
You’d made your choice.  
And you needed to follow through or it would just get worse. You’d barely been able to eat anything the past few days, just picked through a half empty bag of Doritos listlessly.  
Your floor was cluttered with dirty clothes because you promised yourself you’d do laundry tomorrow.  
Three days ago.  
Your life had come to a standstill and you didn’t know what to do.  
No, scratch that. You knew what to do you were just too much of a chicken to follow through with it.  
Every night it was the same:

GT: i love you dave.  
TG: love you too man  
GT: <3  
TG: <3

And yet the light impressions your teeth made on your lower lip stood to testify that all was not well in your heart, in this relationship that you’d managed to sustain for about a month now. 

Ping.  
A single sound interrupted your moping and stopped your heart with its hollow echo through the headphones that were always hanging from your ears in the manner of a kid who expressed himself through music. 

Usually a smile would sneak across your face at this sound but today it scared away all remaining traces of happiness. 

You clicked on his name, and read:

GT: hey dave whats up?  
TG: oh not much man just chillin here listenin to some beats and shit  
TG: munching on some triangles of cheesy goodness

You nearly had to force the lilt in your messages. It was a sad day indeed when Dave Strider had to try and be his sarcastic, nonchalant self. You shake your head. It was now or never.

TG: actually man i have to talk to you  
GT: sure dave! you know you can tell me anything! :D

God dammit. This was going to be harder than you thought.

TG: i  
TG: i don’t really know how to start out this man  
GT: ….  
GT: is it about us? are you breaking up with me or something dave?  
TG: john i  
TG: i just  
TG: yeah i  
TG: i am

Tears were running down your face but you couldn’t feel them. You braced yourself for his pain, for the tears you knew you’d be able to see even through text. You braced yourself for rage and anger and a fight and you prepared to lose your best friend because right now, all you felt was regret and shame.

GT: am i allowed to ask why?  
GT: i've been pretty happy with you lately. and you’ve seemed happy as well. i wont lie dave, i don’t really understand right now.  
TG: no john its not  
TG: to use a fucking cliché its not you  
TG: its me  
GT: …. how so?  
TG: I just cant do this online shit forever man  
TG: were just kids honestly  
TG: i love you so fucking much and  
TG: the other day i just felt so fucking trapped  
TG: I went to the store and i saw a hot dude and i couldnt even give him my number  
TG: because im with you and  
TG: im sorry  
GT: i understand.  
TG: i jus--  
TG: what  
GT: yeah, no i totally get it! i can't say i feel the same but i'm not going to be the boyfriend who throws a fit and cries because he gets dumped.  
GT: and honestly i should have seen this coming. internet relationships and all.  
TG: john i  
TG: i wish there was something i could say to convince you i loved you

And the tears were flowing hot and fast down your cheeks. And you hit the power button on your computer before you could make a fool of yourself even more. You slammed your head down in your hands and you sobbed.  
If John was there he’d try to console you.  
But that was the thing.  
He was all the way in cold-as-fuck Washington.  
And you were here, lonely and freezing cold in Texas.

You were sixteen years old.  
And long distance relationships were painful.

You couldn’t really pinpoint why you felt the need to do this. You just felt trapped and damn if you were going to make him feel the same way over a relationship that would never really amount to anything anyway because it was the internet and on the internet people forgot things really easily. No matter how much you loved the kid, nothing would shrink the distance.  
You had school, you had your stupid part time job, and so did he.  
When everything is said and done the internet is a fragile place.

You can’t log out from reality. You can’t go to bed and escape from yourself because that’s what’s real.

You loved him so much it hurt. You loved him so much that you knew this would never work and dragging it on would only lead to more pain.  
He’d get over it one day.  
As would you.

And when you’re thirty and you’re happy somewhere you’ll stop and smile at something and it won’t remind you of a certain teenage boy named John Egbert because you dated for a month when you were a teenager. Even if you were friends for three years before that.  
Everyone eventually forgets.

Time goes on, without a care in the world.

But for now you let yourself feel the pain. You let yourself cry and shake. You let yourself hurt and regret and feel because you didn’t know when you’d begin to forget and you didn’t ever want to forget. But it would happen one day and that’s why you threw yourself straight into the fire.  
You broke yourself because you knew that’s the only way you would be able to heal.

Some hours later, you’d fallen asleep with your face pressed up against the tearstained keyboard.  
You didn’t know what time Bro had come in, but when you finally woke up you were in bed under a blanket.  
And you started crying again.  
It would be a while before your face dried.

GT: i'll never not love you, dave. you're everything to me and i would have done anything to save this. but i respect that you'll be a lot happier without me.  
/MESSAGE SEND FAILED/


	2. Stripped and Polished

That song came on the radio again.   
The same song that you'd tried desperately to avoid since the day you threw it all away.   
The song that caused to to literally drop what you were doing at the moment and stand there, eyes closed and heart cracking with every note in the melody. 

Not today, you'd thought to yourself. But of course it would come on today. A month since you'd called it quits with John. A month since your life ended. A month since you blocked him on pesterchum and threw away all the stupid things he sent you. A month since Bro looked at you, curled up in bed, and frowned when he thought you weren't looking. A month since the end of the relationship that had saved you in the first place. 

You'd called the boy from the supermarket, but it ended in nothing. What did you expect? He wasn't John. He didn't laugh the same, he didn't act the same, he didn't make you feel the same. He wasn't the one for you. He would never be anything more than a pretty face and an empty head. 

You'd pretended to forget about John Egbert, but who were you kidding? Life went on, you went to school, you did your chores and you strifed with Bro. Except when you were done, you sat down at the computer and stared at the now red dot beside his name. "You've blocked ghostyTrickster. Would you like to unblock this user?"   
No.  
It was over, and you felt stupid for dwelling on nothing.   
You'd thought it would be easy.   
You thought he would leave your mind like he was never there but as the days grew longer and you grew more weary you came to a realization that you weren't happy with. You loved him. You loved him so much and he was gone, and really, it was all your fault. He'd probably gotten a new boyfriend. Or hell, girlfriend. You knew he wasn't picky. Even the thought of him smiling and laughing with someone else brought a red fog of anger to the forefront of your vision. 

As the song played over in your head and your mind travelled back to where you'd tried to stop it from ever going, your fingers placed themselves over the keyboard once more. Right click. Unblock. And then you began to type, tears blurring your eyes but fingers knowing exactly where to place themselves even after all this time. Typing formally, desperate to seem serious for this one message... because everything hinged upon these words. 

TG: I regret everything I've ever done. I regret shoving you away and I regret typing this out even as I do so. I made the worst mistake of my life in leaving you and it's something I will take to my grave. Please, don't reply to this if you don't want to. I'm alone and cold and missing my best friend. Missing the love of my life and it hurts so bad. I fucked up. I threw everything away for something I knew wouldn't work out and damn am I stupid. I love you. Yeah. Wow. This is like one of those drunk texts except I'm not drunk and I'm gonna send this I just need to stop rambling but the second I'm done typing I have to send it and I'm so fucking afraid that you hate me or you won't reply at all. I don't know how often I can think about you without breaking. 

Send. Oh dear god it was sending and your hands vibrated with adrenaline, and the tears were tangible, streaming down your cheeks because for so long you'd held it in. You'd refused to hurt any more and you refused to ever admit that you still loved him.

TG: well there it is my fucking heart out there on a silver platter for you to do what you want 

The waiting. Oh sweet mother of waiting. You stood up, stretched, tried to calm your pounding heart. Your mind bounced around more rapidly than an atom being split. Was that even a proper metaphor? You weren't sure. Nothing really made sense at the moment. Your foot itched so you kicked your shoe at the wall with a resounding THUMP and a subsequent,

"SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE!" 

God dammit, didn't Bro realize you were having the most insane romantic crisis of your 16 years of existence? 

Ping. 

Your eyes widened and your heart literally stopped, sending a pain through your chest. Time seemed to literally slow down, your ears rushing with a sound that wasn't there. You grew simultaneously freezing cold and boiling hot.   
What was air? You couldn't seem to draw in a breath. Whirling back around to your desk, slamming your ass in your chair you stared.   
One message.  
Just one message could mean so much.   
A green dot.   
One message. 

You couldn't click it. All you could do was sit there and stare. Stare with eyes that couldn't comprehend all the possible outcomes, only realizing that they were infinite and ranging from wonderful to soul crushing. Leaning more to the negative side of the spectrum. 

Thirty seconds...  
Forty.

You couldn't take it anymore and you closed your eyes shut, clicking the stupid little icon that caused so much turmoil in your life. 

GT: i missed you.  
GT: so fucking much. 

What... he did? He missed you? Your heart rises in your chest and you can't help but allow a flicker of hope to shine in your tired eyes. Eyes that had spent too much time lost in the past lately, eyes that had forgotten the sting of tears from sheer exposure. 

TG: i missed you too  
TG: more than i thought i would please  
TG: just  
TG: one more chance john  
TG: i cant do anything in my life without you

GT: of course.

Your heart leapt. Maybe things didn't have to hurt so badly anymore. Maybe you could start to right the wrongs that you'd foolishly made. As long as John was willing to try to love you again there wasn't any reason why you couldn't try. Granted it would take a while, but if you tried hard enough. If you loved him hard enough...

GT: but...  
GT: no more online relationships.

Oh. Right. Because you had hurt him. He'd moved on. 

God damn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might turn into a longer thing idk   
> i just need to get this out really badly


	3. Preparationing for the Travel Impaired

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has an amazing idea for the fourth anniversary of their friendship and Dave isn't sure he'll be able to keep his head.

It had been four years since the four of you: Rose, Jade, John, and yourself had originally met online. You'd all agreed that a celebration was in order. If you could just figure out something to do. Ideas were thrown around willy-nilly, varying from an online chatroom party (shot down immediately by Rose) to renting a flying spacecraft which would transport images of your faces to the other's house. (That idea was Jade's. Clearly.) No one seemed to know what to do, and it was becoming a real bummer. 

GT: hey dave!  
GT: dave are you there?  
GT: clearly your pesterchum has been left in the "logged on" position  
GT: which is kind of rude if you aren't actually there. 

You were there; you'd just been untangling the bottom of your chair from your headphones once more and seriously his timing was always terrible. Could a guy blame you for having to take care of an immediate crisis without turning your status to "away"? Honestly. 

TG: hold your horses space cowboy  
TG: im right here  
GT: oh good!  
TG: im so here that my typing is happening before i even do it  
TG: the words are flying out of my fingers before i have the chance to even think them  
TG: this is getting out of control im going to have to do something about it  
TG: for all we know this could be mind control john  
TG: horrible horrible mind control by an over possessive alien woman intent on marrying me  
TG: and if i dont comply shes going to post a facebook status about my homosexuality  
TG: then my mom will post a reply to said status about me needing help  
TG: and before you know it ill be on a fast track to a fixer upper  
GT: dave, shut up.  
TG: aye aye captain  
TG: what did you need anyway im kind of in the middle of something  
GT: oh, right!  
GT: how do you feel about a party? 

A party? Didn't Rose already ex-nay an online gathering? For privacy and IP address reasons or something? You honestly hadn't been paying that much attention to her rant. At the time it'd been a fine idea but no one wanted to be on the receiving end of one of Rose Lalonde's tantrums. Not that they were common, in fact quite the opposite. She was usually fairly easygoing until something happened which she disagreed with and long story short there were not going to be any online parties. 

TG: man i didn't take you for suicidal.  
GT: what?  
TG: didn't rose kind of unleash the kraken on us for even mentioning it earlier?  
TG: unless that was just to me and in that case i'm going to have to take up a formal complaint with human resources  
TG: that shit aint fair man and you know it  
TG: anger should be evenly distributed among the four of us if we want our freaky equilibrium to stay intact  
GT: no, dave. an actual party.  
GT: like, at my house.  
TG: oh

Oh. That made more sense. I mean, none of you were that poor and if you could hypothetically figure out a weekend during the summer to get your asses up there, this could work. There was only one problem and it wasn't exactly one you could voice aloud to the general public. 

GT: does that work?  
TG: dude why did none of us think of that in the first place  
TG: i guess were all just used to being busy and shit but if this works out  
TG: damn  
TG: shoot your idea at rose and jade then man im behind you a hundred percent  
GT: already did! you were kind of the only one i thought would disagree at all.  
TG: really huh why would you say that ive been nothing but friendly to you  
TG: thats actually offensive egbert why would you even think id say no  
TG: if it has anything to do with what happened between us trust me im over that shit so hard its like it never even happened  
GT: okay, dave! i'm glad, hahaha. wouldn't want things to get weird!  
TG: no weirdness here i promise its all good  
GT: okay! so i'll work out dates and stuff with my dad,  
GT: you talk to bro about it and i'll message you later!  
TG: sure thing dude  
TG: see ya

You turn your client to "away" and push your chair back from your desk, sighing. Your face found it's usual spot buried in your hands and that's where you left it for a minute. John. You hadn't forgotten the shit you went through with him a few months ago, contrary to your dismissal of the very issue. It still hurt like hell. 

You still loved him.

The question now was, could you keep it together being in his presence for the duration of this party? Rose and Jade both knew that the two of you had been a thing, and that it ended, but you doubted either of them fully realized how much it had hurt you. Hell, you doubted that even John knew how much you were still sore over the whole thing. Clearly he wasn't feeling bitter still, which was nice but at the same time left you wondering what was wrong with you. Why couldn't you just say goodbye to this whole issue and get over it? You wanted to. You'd wanted to for a while; because honestly it would be for the best. You'd be happier without the constant nagging voice in your head telling you that you'd fucked up and now your punishment would be to always wonder "what if?". What if you had stuck it out? What if you'd just stayed with him even through all the doubt and questioning which proved in the end to just be cold feet. 

You'd been afraid to commit and now it was too late to even consider it. 

There was one thing about long distance you happened to like and that was that if things got too rough to handle or you got hurt you could just click a button and send it away for a while. Log off. Go to sleep, write a song, eat something fatty and covered in grease.  
You'd been using the log off feature a lot lately; to just take a break. Breathe. Stop the tears before they even got to your eyes. 

But if you were around John in person, you couldn't guarantee you'd be able to keep your emotions in check. You wouldn't be able to log out of the situation, and regardless of the buffer that Jade and Rose would most definitely provide, if there was one thing you knew about feelings it was that you couldn't hide from them.  
They had a terrible way of catching up to you in all of the wrong ways. But what choice did you have? You couldn't back out now. 

As the days went on you found yourself wishing that something would come up. That John's dad would suddenly change his mind about inviting three strangers from across the country over to his home. That your brother wouldn't open the formal invitation John had sent in the mail. That he wouldn't look at you with a grin and state that it would be good for you to get out. Hell, he paid for your plane ticket himself, hanging both that and the invitation on the fucking fridge for god's sake. Despite your protests that it wasn't necessary.  
Of all the times for Bro to get in one of his supportive moods. Most days you wished he'd just leave you the fuck alone to mope by yourself. He wouldn't even buy your desperate ploy of feigning sickness. Usually, for school, he'd just shrug and close your bedroom door. Today he hoisted you out of bed himself, again despite your deadweighting on him, and dragged you into the truck. He was hell bent on making sure you got to this party, and you couldn't put your finger on exactly why. As you stood at the airport on the day before the party you found yourself hoping the plane would have crashed or something equally horridly morbid.

T minus 9 hours and you were anything but ready for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long in updating I feel terrible about it. More chapters to come in a more timely fashion, I promise!!  
> (And if no one's read the spin-off sequel I highly recommend it!)


End file.
